In almost every marriage, there is a high desire spouse, and a low desires spouse. This means one spouse’s desire for sexual intimacy is high and something that they crave in their marriage, and the other spouses desire is low and is often not on their mind. So how can couples deal with this?
The first thing to recognize is this is totally normal and almost every relationship has a high desire and low desire spouse, so you are not alone. Secondly, there are many marriages that have wonderful sexual intimacy that both couples are satisfied with, even with a high desire and low desire spouse.
The problems arise when couples don’t communicate and discuss this openly with each other. Sex is difficult enough to discuss, but when you are talking about sexual things that could cause conflict, it becomes even more uncomfortable to discuss together. However, communication is the key to finding the balance.
Why is it so important for couples to find a balance in their sexual intimacy?
Couples that don’t find balance in their sexual intimacy can experience all sorts of problems. There is reason the leading cause of divorce is either infidelity, or issues with/lack of sexual intimacy (depending on which divorce attorney website you are looking at). But infidelity can often be linked to a lack of sexual intimacy in the relationship. If you remember a recent poll we did on our instagram post, we had hundreds of responses. Here are some of them:
- 95% of respondents said that sex played an important role in their happiness!
- 96% said sex makes them feel more confident and less stressed.
They also expressed they feel loved and a connection with their spouse when they make love.
We also asked how they feel when they are rejected sexually and they responded: Depressed, upset, sad, frustrated, unloved, less confident, worthless, used and so many other negative feelings.
Sexual intimacy for the low desire spouse is vital to feel important, loved and confident. As we have talked about before, it is something that is not just wanted, but needed. Sexual intimacy is a vital component to a happy long term marriage and the statistics done lie. If you want a happy marriage, you need to find a good balance that fulfills both spouses needs.
Open communication can help couples discuss this important issue in their relationship and hopefully they can find a balance that works for both of them so both of their needs are being met.
Can understanding each others “Desire Styles” help with finding a balance?
Different people have different “Desire Styles” when it comes to sex, and it is completely normal for couples to have mismatched styles. Couples that do not understand their spouses desire style might think something is broken with them, but that is certainly not the case. The key is to understand each others “desire style” so you can accommodate each other and understand how each other respond to sex. Without understanding each others styles, conflict can certainly arise. There are 3 desire styles, let’s see what you and your spouses are.
SPONTANEOUS DESIRE STYLE
Some people experience the desire for sex first… then arousal. This is called a Spontaneous Desire.
RESPONSIVE DESIRE STYLE
For people that have a Responsive Desire, both their mind and body need to be aroused before they will have the desire to have sex.
COMBINATION DESIRE STYLE
This is a combination of both the Spontaneous and Responsive desire style.
It is important to note that your desire style can change over time or be impacted by stress, depression, relationship issues or many other factors, so it is important to continually talk about it and be aware of what is going on.
Can scheduling sex help?
A lot of people like to have structure throughout their day. They have their “to do” list with everything outlined and what needs to be accomplished and when. If it’s not on the list, it’s to a priority or it might not get done. These type of people do not like surprises or spontaneous things. This also happens with sex. Many women (and some men) don’t like spontaneous sex. They may not be showered, or ready physically and mentally so spontaneous sex is stressful to them. For these type of people, scheduling sex can be a great way to fit it in the schedule and to prepare themselves physically and mentally. Here are some of the benefits of scheduling sex:
SCHEDULED SEX IS OFTEN BETTER SEX
Couples who have “scheduled sex” often get in the right mind frame as they complete all of their to do’s prior to sex so they can be ready and in the right mind frame to be “all there” with each other when it’s time for sex. We all know how important it is to be in the right mind frame for sex.
SCHEDULING SEX BUILDS ANTICIPATION
When couples schedule sex, it builds anticipation for both of them. It also allows them to get in the proper frame of mind and physically prepared for sex. This can also create an opportunity for great foreplay throughout the day and the anticipation builds up. Many people actually find scheduling sex makes sex much more enjoyable because of the anticipation and buildup to it.
SCHEDULED SEX RESOLVES THE “WHEN ARE WE GOING TO HAVE SEX” PROBLEM, OR THE UNKNOWNS
Because there is almost always a “high desire” and “low desire” spouse in marriage, the higher desire spouse doesn’t have to worry about the “when are we going to have sex again?” and the lower desire spouse doesn’t have to feel bad for constantly rejecting the higher desire spouse because its’ “on the calendar”. Scheduling sex has a ton of benefits and make sexual intimacy much more enjoyable. Many people are “schedulers” and don’t like to be spontaneous. Many women have expressed that scheduling sex helps take away the anxiety, and gets them better prepared for it.
Hopefully this article has offered some ways to balance out the sexual intimacy in your marriage!